So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
