No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize
