if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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