Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
We're too hungover to prance.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
there is glitter all over my balls
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
