He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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