you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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