I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
