it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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