i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
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