The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
