Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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