Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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