if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
