What did we do last night that was yellow?
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
