New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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