Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
The best revenge is premature balding
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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