Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
