Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
