3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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