He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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