end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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