make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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