So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
