I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
