Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
