Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
