super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
