Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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