we have officially mastered the walk of shame
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Randomize
