I am midnight drunk by noon
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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