If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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