can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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