I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
