yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
