Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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