sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
