I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
