Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
