Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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