I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
