My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
