Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
