i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
