as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
