i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You may now shotgun with the bride
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
