I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize