I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
