sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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