Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
this just has baby written all over it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize