When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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