life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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