Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
