I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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