I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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