i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
