I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
