Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
