I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
