Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
